


written by Clara Katsler

by SaraFanTALES



Category: The Color Purple - Alice Walker
Genre: Gender or Sex Swap, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 00:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17539127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraFanTALES/pseuds/SaraFanTALES





	written by Clara Katsler

Dear God,  
I’m writing this cus I need help. I don’t feel like me in my body. I feel like my breast, tiny waist and big bum not belong to me. I don’t like it. I hate it.  
But most of all I hate how much pa likes it. He touch me in places I don’t like and if I tell him no, he get mad and hit me. He tell me I’m ugly and not as pretty as my sister Nettie. That I’m useless and fat and that no man will ever marry me.  
He has made me pregnant two time. I was miserable both time. I hated it. I don’t like my body at all, and first I think it was cus pa touch me. That when I see my body, I think of pa and that why I hate it. But now I know why. 

Dear God,  
I am a boy in a girl body. I know the bible say God make no mistake, but I am a boy. I think like a boy, I eat like a boy, because I am a boy. I don’t like same thing as Nettie. I don’t like brushing my hair, I want it short. I hate dress, I look so much like a girl. And I don’t want to be pregnant.  
Don’t be angry God, I love my children. But when pa make me pregnant, I feel like a girl. Cus boy can’t be pregnant. And I am a boy. I know you think I crazy, cus I was born a girl and I have a girl body. But I know I have a boy brain.  
I ask you God, why you give me a girl body when I am a boy? What I have done to be this miserable? Why you make me born in the wrong body?  
I cry me to sleep last night. Pa don’t let me go to school cus I not smart. I need to be home and take care of my children and siblings. I love my siblings and children, but I not want to be here. I want to run away with Nettie and away from pa and I want to go to school and make friend.  
Last night, when I cry me to sleep, I dream of a boy. He look like someone I never see before. He look my age, but very different than me. He had short, dark hair that was slick back behind his ear. He look like someone from future. He had a big, black jacket and big blue pants. His eyes were covered in black. He almost look scary. But he look big and powerful.  
In my dream, he use his superpowers to take pa away. He give him to the white folks and they run over him with them big black horses. In my dream I hear pa screaming me and Netties name, but we not answer. We stand there frozen and see when pa’s pile of blood get bigger and bigger and the screaming get smaller and smaller until everything is quiet.  
I wake up this morning in panic. I sit up in my bed and look around me. My dream feel real and for a little moment, I think it happened in real life. I lay back in bed and pull my blanket over my head.  
I feel ashamed that I dream that. That my brain can dream that someone get killed and I don’t do anything about it.  
But this morning I not feel ashamed anymore. Pa told me this morning them white folks be coming her to look at me. That I have to put on my dress and comb my hair. I hate my dress so much. I can do anything to not wear that dress. But Pa force me to wear it. He tell me no man will ever want me if I look like this. So I have to wear the stupid dress if a man will ever marry me.  
When I put the dress on and see me in the mirror, I cry. This is not who I am. This is not me. I am a boy, why can no one see that?  
Then I hear Pa calling my name from outside. I open the door and there I see a white fellow sitting on a big black horse. The horse scare me a little, so I don’t come closer. Pa tells me to come hear. I go towards him and he grabs my arm so hard that it hurt me. He tells the white fellow I am good with children and that I clean and cook. He tell me to spin around,, so I do that. The white fellow not say anything, he just look down at me from his horse. He has them dark evil eyes. He asks Pa how much I cost. I not hear what Pa answer cus I stop listen.  
Then he turns his horse away and ride away. Pa tell me to go inside.  
Then I go to my room and I cry. I not want to get married to some white fellow. He will be mean to me and hit me. He will make me clean his house and he will touch me where I not want him to. And I cannot say no. Cus everyone knows what happens to the girls that say no to their husband. 

Dear God,  
I ask for your help. What have I done to deserve this? What do you want me to do to make this all go away? I pray every night for me and Nettie. That we someday will run away together and have a new life.  
Tonight I will go up the hill behind the house and climb up the tree. In the highest branch, I will out the letter. I will go as far up as I can so you can reach it. Tomorrow night I will go back and see if the letter is gone. If it is I know that my prayers are answered. I will know that you have read this. 

Dear God,  
I need you. Please. 

 

Dear Celie.


End file.
